Getting over a breakup

The end of a relationship you put your heart into is not a small thing, no matter how often people say “you'll get over it.” An engagement that ended, a marriage, or a love that never got its chance: the pain is real, and the empty space that person left is real. This page won't rush you, but it will walk with you for a step.

Why does a breakup hurt this much?

When we love someone, they become part of our day: the first person we tell things to and the last person we talk to. When they're gone, we don't lose only them; we lose the habits, the plans, and the picture we'd drawn of the future.

That's why the pain of a breakup resembles grief, and needs time just like it.

What helps in the first days

• Reduce or pause contact for a while, and don't check their profiles. Every look reopens the wound.
• Let yourself be sad, and don't pretend to yourself that you're fine.
• Reconnect with the people you drifted away from during the relationship.
• Look after your simple everyday routine: sleep, food, walking. Small routines hold you up when the big things fall apart.
• Write what you couldn't say. Not to send it, but to get it out of you.

Questions that wear you down, and how to handle them

“What if?” and “Where did I go wrong?” are natural questions, but they can turn into an endless loop. Take the lesson from them if there is one, then remind yourself that a relationship is made by two people, and neither one carries everything alone.

When do you need more help?

If long weeks pass and you can't sleep, work or eat, or you start having thoughts of hurting yourself, talk to a mental health professional, or call the numbers at the bottom of this page.

Say it to someone who understands

On “i am sad” you write about your breakup with no name, so no one knows you and no one knows the other person. People from all over the world read it, many of whom have been through the same heartbreak, and reply to you in your language.